faceball

Once in a while a sport comes along that is so revolutionary, so uplifting, so downright compelling that it becomes more than a sport; it becomes a phenomenon. It is so full of passion, so brimming with human drama, so alive with excitement that it captures the hearts and minds of young and old alike. The rise, fall, and redemption of larger-than-life figures are played out on the world's grandest stage, before an adoring and insatiable audience. That sport is Faceball.

Faceball historians trace the game's origins to an interoffice game of catch in early 2006. Tossing the football back and forth proved too tranquil for the fiercely competitive participants. Yours truly decided to see how close to his body he could make a catch, "without letting the football hit me in the face." This new pursuit, while a worthwhile diversion, soon lost its thrill.

The true moment of revelation came when Colby Smith, known to the ages as "the Father of Faceball," decided to assign a basic, three-tiered scoring system to the game. Other ancillary rules were soon developed, and modern Faceball was born.

The game reached its zenith in 2006 with the first quadrennial World Cup of Faceball, when the game reached new heights of popularity throughout the United States and the developing world. The inaugural Cup was won by the aforementioned Smith, who breezed through pool play and the elimination bracket, and handily dispatched this author in the championship game.

Henceforth, the ancient and venerable Rules of Faceball:

I. Basic Rules

1. Faceball is played with a regulation NFL-size football. If only a Nerf ball is present, see Section V.1.
2. The two participants are separated by roughly thirty feet, or other suitable agreed-on distance
3. Participants take turns throwing the football at one another, with the challenger going first. The thrower receives points based on accuracy
4. The recipient must catch the ball as close as possible to his or her body, without moving or flinching
   
5. The recipient must not move the ball after the catch is made, in order to "frame" the ball and allow determination of the score for that throw
6. Basic scoring is as follows:
• The game is played to exactly 21 points. No more, no less.
  
• 5 points for a face shot. Face shots are determined by the following test: "Was that going to hit me in the face?" If the answer is Yes, then it's a face shot. If the throw was just going to graze your cheek, it's 0 points, but a re-throw
  
• 3 points for the torso (below the face and above the belt). Shoulders and arms do not count
• 1 point for the legs, from the belt to the knee, including the kneecap
• 2-point penalty if the recipient drops a reasonably catchable ball. The penalty is added on to the score for the throw, and can be declined by the thrower if circumstances dictate
  
• 0 points for all other throws

II. Scoring Nuances

1. The game is played to exactly 21 points. If a throw causes a player to go over 21 points, then 5 points are subtracted from that player's score, and play continues
2. Typically matches consist of the best two out of three games, although shorter and longer matches are common
   

III. Overtime

1. Like in baseball, the player who throws second (the "home team") gets a chance to throw even if his opponent reaches 21. If the second player ties the game at 21, the game goes to overtime
2. In overtime, the first player to score a face shot wins. Just as before, the player who throws second has the chance to match and force the game to continue
   

IV. Suggested Guidelines and Fair Play

1. Playing outdoors is courteous both to your officemates and to fragile office equipment
   
2. In the spirit of good sportsmanship, participants traditionally shake hands after a match
3. Trash-talking is highly encouraged before, during, and after the contest, and at all other times
   

V. Real Man's Faceball

1. If you play with a Nerf ball, the only acceptable way to play faceball is to let the ball hit you IN THE FACE. No moving. No catching. Just let the ball hit you, and take it LIKE A MAN.
2. This is Real Man's Faceball and it makes you feel alive!